I Will Watch EVERY 80s Movie Ever Made!: May 2020

Friday, May 29, 2020

Phantasm (1979), Vendetta (1986)

I know, I know ... this is firmly in the 1970s in almost every way. But I'm including it because it had a HUGE influence on a certain vein of '80s teen horror; a case might be argued that it is still influencing movies even now.

Phantasm has a tremendous sense of atmosphere (DREAD) and style to it, even while its plot is *completely* incoherent and nonsensical. The villain is so memorable and evil that anyone who saw this at a certain impressionable age (say, 9 to 15) will never forget it. I also particularly like the sidekick Reggie, driving an ice cream truck and playing guitar (well, too!).

The shortest explanation for this movie is "young boy and his older brother, along with their best friend, learn that the local funeral home is not what it seems, and the strange tall man who runs it tries to stop them from spreading the message." This really doesn't do the movie justice, but I'm also trying to avoid spoilers here. The movie moves along its own pace and logic - which might infuriate some viewers, especially those raised on the glossy horror productions of the last 10-15 years - but I'll tell you, when I saw this at age 10 or so, I was petrified. When you're about the age of the main character, it really hits home.

Phantasm has recently been fully remastered, thanks to J. J. Abrams (!). I look forward to reviewing one of the director Dan Coscarelli's '80s films, The Beastmaster, in the near future.

Vendetta is a pretty typical women-in-prison movie, with a rather effective revenge angle. I don't have a lot to say about it - it's definitely watchable, but it's also definitely not amazing. The most startling thing for me for discovering Sandy Martin (Mac's Mom on It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia) as the main villain - and she's great!

The general plot: Younger sister kills evil guy in self-defense. Younger sister goes to prison. Younger sister resists evil prison gang. Younger sister is killed by evil prison gang. Older sister, who is a stunt actor in the movies, gets herself arrested and sent to same prison. Older sister immediately begins targeting the evil gang. Older sister gets revenge, one piece at a time.

The directing is workmanlike and the actresses are all natural, so the film is certainly worth a quick view if you're curious. The direct is Bruce Logan, who once did second unit photography on the original Star Wars, working with the miniatures (!). This was his first directing effort. I can't find any budget information for this, but I can't imagine it cost or made a ton of money.

Fear City (1984)

Interesting movie! Fear City OOZES sleaze... sleaze... sleaze! Also has a great cast and good direction (Abel Ferrara!), but despite the atmosphere it never really comes together into something compelling.

Tom Berenger is a former boxer who now runs strip clubs. One after another, his strippers are attacked by a maniac in increasingly sadistic ways. Billy Dee Williams is the cop who is determined to bring the maniac in. Some of the strippers include a young Melanie Griffith (!), Rae Dawn Chong, and Maria Conchito Alonso.

Catching Up Pt 16

Highlander (1986)

I saw this as a child, and remember loving it. I watched it very late at night and was really inspired by the ideas - immortals! Fighting each other for ultimate supremacy! Sean Connery!! Of course, it's Christopher Lambert who carries the movie, and his slippery English really doesn't hamper him at all - although who would ever believe he's Scottish? The movie is paced perfectly, the plot is really novel and enthralling, and the action is captivating. The movie has aged very very well. I know there are sequels, but I haven't seen them.

Mad Ron's Prevues from Hell (1987)

Boy is this strange. A projectionist satisfies a theater full of zombies with a long series of exploitation movie trailers, and also some weird lowbrow humor. I don't know what to say about this... worth a viewing for fans of odd horror.

Blade Runner (1982)

Arguably the most famous science fiction movie ever made. Our hero Deckard (Harrison Ford) is a blade runner, a detective who hunts down androids who have gone rogue and threaten humans. As the movie progresses, he gets new ideas about what it means to be human - especially from the movie's villain, Rutger Hauer. The atmosphere is unparalleled, the music (by Vangelis) is incredible, and the tone and pacing is perfect. A perfect movie.

Catching Up Pt 15

The Monster Club (1981)

High camp! Vincent Price is a vampire who shows writer John Carradine to The Monster Club - a literal disco for monsters. Then there are three little vignettes of light/soft horror. The best part of the movie are the songs that play in between the vignettes, basically horror-based synth rock. Interesting, dumb, but mostly fun.

Q: The Winged Serpent (1982)

I hated this movie. I only made it about halfway through before abandoning it. The basic premise is a cheap hood who wants to be a jazz pianist discovers the nest of the Aztec god Quetzelcoatl, who apparently is a giant dinosaur. He then proceeds to sell this information for personal gain. His character (Michael Moriarty) was so repugnant and unlikable it ruined the movie for me - I kept rooting for the monster to eat him, but no dice. Avoid, like the plague.

Killer Workout (1987)

This was unexpected fun - although it's strictly by-the-numbers teen slasher horror, it has a really unusual settings: a health club! So we see super buff trainers getting murdered, aerobics instructors hunted and killed, etc. And the movie plays around a bit with who the murderer is, generally with success. A cut above the usual fare.

Ghostkeeper (1982)

Canadian cult classic about a ski lodge with a ghost in it. When two ladies and a man get stranded there overnight, a strange old lady and her son see an opportunity... it's atmospheric, but ultimately not very compelling.

Graduation Day (1981)

Eh, another strictly cliched teen slasher horror film. This one revolving around a track team. After a girl dies from a heart condition after being pushed too hard by the coach, the whole team begins to die one by one. I predicted the killer long in advance. Not very interesting.

Deathsport (1978)

The movie that killed David Carradine's career, or so he says. He's some kind of tracker, a sage survivor who is kidnapped and forced to compete in the Deathsport for the amusement of the elite. Except that he's so good, he turns the tables immediately, and soon it's the elite who are trying to survive. It's awful. The acting is terrible, the action lacks any thrill, and the dialog is incredibly bad. If Carradine says his career never recovered from this, I believe him.

PART SIXTEEN

Catching Up Pt 14

Leviathan (1989)

My family had this on VHS when I was growing up - it's one of the "late '80s underwater horror" films of the era, along with The Abyss and Deep Star Six. Maybe others, too. This one has a great cast, with Peter Weller, Richard Crenna, Daniel Stern, and others. Underwater industrial workers come across a soviet ship on the bottom of the ocean, but removing things from it proves to be a big mistake. Some great practical special effects! It's honestly not that great a movie, and I have never found the creature scary, but it's fun nonetheless.

Laser Mission (1989)

This is always on RiffTrax or similar, because honestly it's so bad that it's almost too easy to make fun of. Brandon Lee is on a mission to recover a diamond that can shoot a massive laser... or something. Ernest Borgnine has the WORST accent imaginable. Debi Monaghan at least is a pretty effective female lead. The movie traverses a lot of terrain, and Brandon Lee is a pretty effective male lead with his martial arts background. But let's face it - this movie is deeply stupid, doesn't seem to know if it's serious or not, and basically fails on every front.

State Park (1988)

This is a weird one. Bad-hearted villain wants to dump toxic waste in a state park. Why, I don't know - it seems extremely obvious to figure out where it came from - but he is stymied at every turn by a man dressed in a bear suit, and various other characters who seek to keep the park clean. It's fun in a small way.

Fire and Ice (1983)

Rotoscoped animation never looked so good! This fantasy tale of a quest to overthrow an evil wizard who is crushing the world in ice is absolutely gorgeous - some of the best illustration I've ever seen on screen - and even though the story is thin, the art propels the movie forward. Worth seeing.

Necromancer (1988)

Ugh. Rape revenge supernatural horror film. An acting student is raped, she makes a deal with a necromancer to get revenge, the boys who raped her are killed one by one in brutal, magical ways. Nothing to recommend this.

Beyond the Seventh Door (1987)

Surprisingly good for a movie I had never heard of, with what seems like an amateur cast. Guy gets out of prison, ex-girlfriend convinces him to rob her boss for easy money, but it turns out the mansion is full of booby traps. Oddly tense and compelling, with a surprise ending I didn't see coming.

PART FIFTEEN

Catching Up Pt 13

Timestalkers (1987, TV movie)

Interesting little movie! Klaus Kinski and William Devane in this time traveling movie with lots of Western flair. Unfortunately a TV movie, so ineligible for my list. But worth seeing anyway, if you have any interest in westerns, the way the '80s treated westerns, or Klaus Kinski in general.

Saturday the 14th (1981)

Comedy horror that is mostly successful, where a family moves into a haunted house, and has a bunch of run-ins with monsters that usually end in laughter. It's a light little movie, with a few nice acting turns.

They Call Me Bruce (1982)

Korean man is continually mistaken for Bruce Lee by (racist?) people in his life, ends up involved with mob activity. It's played for laughs, and the main character (Johnny Yune) has a lot of charisma. I enjoyed it more than I expected it. A limited movie, but a nice one.

Explorers (1985)

A favorite of mine from my childhood - Ethan Hawke, River Phoenix, and Jason Presson discover technology that ultimately allows them to explore space. They have many adventures, ultimately ending up on an alien ship. I have to admit: as an adult, I find the aliens incredibly fake and stupid-looking. They turned me off instantly. But I don't remember that reaction as a kid, so maybe this movie just has an expiration date. Either way, it's amazing how good these child actors are. The script is also pretty strong. Worth exploring.

Baby Sister (1983, TV movie?)

Provocative TV movie where younger sister Phoebe Cates plots to steal older sister's boyfriend. For a while, I really couldn't tell where things were going, but then things resolved in a predictable way. Still - not bad for a TV movie.

PART FOURTEEN

Catching Up Pt 12

Gas Pump Girls (1979)

Another Amazon Prime trick, I thought this was '80. Gas station hires group of very attractive girls, who bring lots of business. Competing station across the street, owned by big business, gets mad and tries to sabotage them. Very basic teen sex comedy, light-hearted enough.

Ghost Writer (1989)

This one is OK, I guess, but it didn't move me in any way. Writer takes beach house to get work done. Beach house is haunted by erotic spirit of woman who was killed by boyfriend years ago. Ghost causes all kinds of mischief before she and writer figure out how to get revenge against boyfriend. Very bland ghost comedy.

Black Moon Rising (1986)

Tommy Lee Jones is great in this action movie about an experimental car, a missing tape full of evidence, a woman car thief (Linda Hamilton!), and an evil mastermind who desires the experimental car. Lots of fighting, car chases, a love scene or two, and a great, tense finale. The movie exudes "cool." It really does a lot with a small budget, and is fun from start to finish, helped greatly by the two leads. Jones and Hamilton are both great.

Slumber Party Massacre (1982)

Stupid. Mental patient with a drill stalks and kills girls gathering for a slumber party. Not funny, not scary, not anything. Waste of time.

Slumber Party Massacre II (1987)

Slightly more personality than the first movie, but not much. The movie tries too many things and fails at most of them. As before: not funny, not scary, not anything.

PART THIRTEEN

Catching Up Pt 11

Mausoleum (1983)

Forgettable. Woman is possessed by demon that previously possessed her mother. Husband and also psychologist try to help. Doesn't help that the print on Amazon Prime is atrocious - looks like the camera lens had vaseline smeared on it. I just couldn't work up an interest - the actors all left me cold. This is the kind of movie that collects dust in the back of the video store, at the very end of the lowest shelf, next to a movie with a title like "Hellgate VII: The Final Rite."

Witchcraft (1988)

Another by-the-numbers horror film. New mother and baby and husband movie into mother-in-law's house. Spoiler: mother-in-law and husband are evil and want to sacrifice the baby. Mother determined not to let this happen. Events play out much as you can imagine - scare here, scare there, dramatic music, baby seems in danger, baby not in danger, tables turned on mother-in-law and husband by the end. Yawn.

Savage Streets (1984)

I actually found this film shocking, a rare event for me. Linda Blair is a girl thug in LA, with a disabled younger sister and a posse of fellow girl thugs. They run afoul of the boy thugs, who are much, much worse - their leader is one of the scummiest, nastiest, most repellent villains I can remember. The boy thugs gang rape the disabled sister (!!!). All hell breaks loose and Linda Blair arms herself for war. It's a stark, bleak, grim film where none of these characters are allowed to have futures - the moment someone has hope, it's ripped from them. Yet it's compelling, because the acting is good, and because the film does a great job creating tension that needs to be resolved. It's a difficult watch, though.

Summer Camp (1979)

Amazon Prime lied and says this was 1980, but internet research seems to indicate '79. It's good enough - the owner of a failing summer camp invites a group of former campers back in the hopes they will donate money, or convince their rich parents to donate money. The campers fall in love, or lust, as they reenact their youth. It's OK. Avoids the worst tropes of the summer camp genre.

Suburbia (1983)

Another shocking film, this time by Penelope Spheeris (see Hollywood Vice Squad above), and right in keeping with her work in Decline of Western Civilization. This movie is about a group of misfit punks in Los Angeles who live together as a family in an abandoned house on condemned land. They struggle to find their place in a hostile world that they see as rejecting them. Meanwhile, two local pieces of trash take it upon themselves to "clean the neighborhood" of the group of kids. Conflict develops rapidly, with a shocking finale. It's uncommon to see a movie about punks that takes their side like this - and you really side with them, even as they commit acts of vandalism and whatnot. You understand their struggle, their desire for family, their hopes. Really a good little film, although upsetting.

PART TWELVE

Catching Up Pt 10

The Being (1983)

Who knows how Martin Landau got roped into this, but it's a generic '80s slasher horror film with some nice practical effects. Takes place in Idaho, with the usual "it's radioactive!" plot device. Forgettable.

Waxwork (1988)

This one ALMOST works for me. Evil owner of a wax museum plans to take over the world, if only he can get rid of these pesky college kids... it's like a more serious version of Scooby Doo. The conceit is that the wax scenes will suck you in and try to kill you. Eventually all the characters escape and go to war with the college kids. It's ... OK. It's missing something, I'm not sure what, but by the end of the movie I just didn't care.

The Incubus (1981)

Exploitative trash, reveling in serial rape. Evil incubus creature rapes women to death, main characters have to stop it somehow, but the movie is just gross and should be avoided with a ten foot pole. Terrible.

Wheels of Fire (1985)

Mad Max with nudity, basically. The future is a wasteland with cool cars and leather-clad punks, sex is a commodity, and the movie finds any and every excuse for a Playboy playmate to bare her top. It's still fun, lots of chasing and shooting, but it's aimed squarely at 14 year old boys, so be warned.

Dead Pit (1989)

Eh, OK. Evil mad doctor is shot and trapped with his terrible experiments for many years, then let out by accident. Our heroes must run around the hospital trying to stop him. It's not great, but you could do worse I suppose. Strictly by the book slasher horror film in a hospital setting.

PART ELEVEN

Catching Up Pt 9

The Nest (1988)

This one is distasteful - tell me if you want to watch the following movie: evil mayor of New England island makes deal with scumbag corporation to do insane experiments on cockroaches, which then become large, hungry, and murderous as they kill humans and animals indiscriminately until a solution is found. This is a very very pale imitation of The Fly, in that humanoid/insectoid hybrids appear with maximum goop and gross makeup. I hate roaches, and yet nothing in this movie scared me. Impotent and incapable of generating fear - the kiss of death of any horror movie. Avoid.

BMX Bandits (1983)

Hidden gem, maybe even cult classic. Nicole Kidman's first movie! Two boys obsessed with BMX biking befriend a similarly obsessed girl (Kidman). They find some high tech walkie talkies that villains had been preparing for a bank robbery. Most of the movie is a race between villains who want the walkie talkies back, and our BMX trio, looking to escape. Fun, exciting, and the kids are surprisingly clever and humorous. Well written little film, I enjoyed it a lot. Kidman shows a lot of charisma at a very early age.

City of the Living Dead (1980)

Another Lucio Fulci movie, but this one was better than Aenigma. Clergyman commits suicide - the gates of Hell open. Our heroes race to close them. That's the basic plot, but - like all Italian horror - the incredibly gross, visceral special effects are the real star. Go into this one with a loose attitude toward plot.

The Warrior and the Sorceress (1984)

It's a bad sign when you see a movie and a month later you remember nothing about it. That's me and The Warrior and the Sorceress. I remember something about David Carradine trying to guard a well (I think?). This is highly generic sword-and-sandals light fantasy, of the kind that poor Carradine got trapped into often in the late '70s and early '80s. Lots of swords, lots of fake fighting, lots of bad speechifying. Avoid.

Old Enough (1984)

On the other hand, this movie left a VIVID impression on me. Young Lonnie forms a friendship with old girl Karen, even though Lonnie comes from a rich family and Karen from a poor Italian Catholic family. This disparity causes a lot of tension, but they get along well anyway. This movie is a coming of age story about Lonnie growing up in one summer, attracted to the scumbucket brother of Karen, repelled by the violent father (Danny Aiello!), unable to communicate with her own mother about the things she is seeing and feeling. It's all very effective. The movie really movies quickly, and even though the ending is predictable, it still has an impact. Worth seeing.

PART TEN

Catching Up Pt 8

Sorceress (1982)

Another Wynorksi script, so you know what to expect: gratuitous female nudity. This time it's twin sisters Leigh and Lynette Harris, who play two sisters touched by destiny, who must overthrow an evil wizard who seeks to sacrifice them to his god and thus become immortal (or something). Honestly, this is one of those movies aimed at 12 year old boys, and I felt bad for every boob that got flashed in service to this dreck.

Night of the Demons (1988)

Better than you'd expect. Group of teens spend Halloween in a funeral parlor, except that a seance goes terribly awry and summons legit demons, who proceed to slay the teenagers in typical '80s slasher ways. However, the characters are likable, some of the scares are unique, and I legitimately didn't know how the movie would resolve itself. A cut above the rest.

Dragonslayer (1981)

This movie I remember liking as a kid, but now that I'm older ... I appreciate the special effects, and that's it. Peter MacNicol (perhaps a rather unlikely hero) is tasked with killing an evil dragon. The dragon looks FANTASTIC. Many have commented that it's probably the best looking movie dragon of all time - it moves smoothly, fluidly, convincingly. Easily the high point of the movie. The rest of the movie is ... OK.

Time Walker (1982)

Ugh, trashy. Alien emerges from Egyptian tomb, killing all who have looted it. His goal? Recovering crystals and repairing a time machine that will allow him to return to his home...or something. Honestly, this was straight '80s teen slasher with a very slight variation (killer is an Egyptian alien, or something), with all the tropes and cliches you would expect. Not worth it.

High Spirits (1988)

Fun! Irish castle owned by Peter O'Toole begins to fake ghostly experiences to bring in guests. But there's a catch - there are REAL ghosts, who don't take kindly to the fakery. Darryl Hannah! Liam Neeson! Jennifer Tilly! Steve Guttenberg! Really strong cast, and really fun movie. I enjoyed this one from top to bottom.

PART NINE

Catching Up Pt 7

My Chauffeur (1986)

Ah, I've been waiting for this one. This was made by the same team that did the incredibly bizarre Party Animal. Surprise: this one is weird too. A young woman decides to become a chauffeur, of all random things, but discovers it's an Old Boy's Club and has a hard time breaking in, THEN discovers that long lost family secrets are coming out. It's pretty crazy. Stars a great Deborah Foreman, who was in Valley Girl and several other things I've seen. This movie is highly strange, but also charming.

Raw Deal (1986)

A Schwartzenegger classic, and a movie I first saw (probably edited) on TV as a kid. Here he goes undercover to help catch a major figure in organized crime. The real fun begins when they discover his identity, and he gets to wreck everything on his one man warpath to the top. Lots of guns, lots of explosions, some choice one liners - typical Arnie. Good action.

Commando (1985)

I think this is superior to Raw Deal, although I know it's probably hotly debated in some circles. Here Arnold plays John Matrix (seriously?), an ex-commando now living in the mountains peacefully with his daughter (Alyssa Milano, filming between seasons of Who's The Boss?). But what's this?! The chief villain kidnaps his daughter and insists Matrix install him as tyrant/dictator of a central American country. Matrix has less than a day to hunt down the evildoers and get his daughter back. This movie has an enormous body count - it must be over 100 - and an equal number of one liners. His archenemy is very memorable - Freddie Mercury on steroids, indeed. Great fun, even if I hate the tacked-on female sidekick (shades of Rambo: First Blood Part Two).

Forbidden World (1982)

Z-grade. Interstellar problem solver arrives at science station where genetic experiment has gotten out of control. This movie is just a poor excuse to show breasts in a sci fi setting - the shower scene with the two female leads is particularly egregious. Avoid avoid avoid.

Best of Times (1986)

This is a real gem that I can't believe I didn't see back when it was contemporary. Kurt Russell and Robin Williams (!!) together as small town guys who are trapped by the memory of a legendary football game - a game where Russell played like a god, but Williams dropped the winning pass. Now, 13 years later, Russell is holding on to the memory of his youth while Williams will do anything, anything to rewrite history. Including replaying the game. There is a lot of great acting in this movie, and a lot of rather serious commentary on bad marriages, individuals unable to look past themselves, making hard decisions, and so on. But it's all told in a light-hearted framework. Robin Williams is fairly restrained here, but he's the heart of the film and it wouldn't work without him. His chemistry with Russell is excellent. Absolutely worth watching.

PART EIGHT

Catching Up Pt 6

Final Exam (1981)

This is strictly by-the-numbers teen slasher horror. Final exam time at local college, except that a madman is murdering everyone one by one. This movie could almost be a template for the '80s teen slasher genre.

Moonstruck (1987)

I liked this one so much, I saw it twice. Cher deservedly won the Oscar for Best Actress for this - she plays an Italian accountant from a large family, whose first husband died some time ago and now, lonely and getting older, she decides to get married again. There's a twist: her somewhat pathetic groom-to-be (the fantastic Danny Aiello) asks her to invite his estranged, wayward brother (Nic Cage), and when she finds the brother it turns out they have explosive chemistry. I love Nic Cage, and he eventually settles down in his role here, but his first scenes are so over the top that I am consistently pushed out of the movie: he screams, he shouts, his cadence is weird, he threatens, he's aggressive. Then... just as suddenly... he's tender, he's mysterious, he's soulful, he's committed... he's fantastic. When he switches gears, the movie really takes off. His first scenes are very unconvincing. That's my only gripe. Every supporting actor in this movie is A-level, and the plot is very touching. Great film.

Heartburn (1986)

I hated this. You would think that Jack Nicholson and Meryl Streep would have chemistry that melted the celluloid, but it's the opposite - I never felt they clicked at all. It felt like two individuals acting towards each other, rather than two halves of a couple trying to cope with life and its twists and turns. I also felt the movie was a little capricious - decisions just happen for reasons that violate both logic and emotion. Nora Ephron, so it has pedigree, but I couldn't like it. Avoid.

Married to the Mob (1988)

By contrast, I loved this. And it's the second time I've reviewed it! Great cast, especially Michelle Pfeiffer (boy is she good!), great script, great fun. Mob wife Angela (Pfeiffer) decides she wants more from life after her husband is rubbed out for getting cozy with the mistress of his boss. She moves to the city with her son Joey, and tries to start over - but the mob boss takes an unwanted liking to her, and the FBI gets involved too. Great direction by Jonathan Demme (Something Wild, Silence of the Lambs, Philadelphia).

Girls Just Want to Have Fun (1985)

I liked this one a lot. Sarah Jessica Parker just wants to be on Dance TV (a loose imitation of MTV), but her uptight parents won't let her audition. She says "To hell with that!" and skips school to go practice and audition anyway, with her best friend (an amazing Helen Hunt). Surprise - she gets in! But she and her partner have to figure out a complicated routine while everyone in their world tries to stop them. It's great fun, I loved seeing the dad (Ed Lauter!) have a change of heart near the end. Written by Amy Spies, who helped develop Beverly Hills: 90210 and Melrose Place.

PART SEVEN

Catching Up Pt 5

Hollywood Vice Squad (1986)

Interesting movie, made by Penelope Spheeris, about - you guessed it - the vice squad in Hollywood. Stars Carrie Fisher! And quite a good supporting cast. It borders on exploitation throughout, and has a strange tone that really wants to be gritty but comes across as a bit silly. A curiosity - how did they get Spheeris to direct this??

Evils of the Night (1985)

Yech. Teen sex horror: group of teens who are constantly nude or topless and on the verge of carnal activity are kidnapped by vampiric aliens for their young virile blood. Worthless movie, this is real Z-grade stuff. Clearly made for horny 13-year-old boys who were willing to put up with the "plot" to get at the boobs.

Screwballs (1983)

Teen sex comedy, but this one actually provoked laughter. Directed by Rafael Zielinksi, this is no masterpiece but contained enough jokes and good will that I watched through to the end. A group of male friends all try to make it with the chaste/prude most popular girl, all while madcap sexual hysteria roils in the background. It's light-hearted, it's not too cruel to the characters, and - maybe what I liked most - there is a congenial spirit throughout the movie where everyone seems to like each other. Fun, if dumb.

F/X (1986)

I watched this with my mom on VHS not too long after it came out - it was great fun then, and it remains great fun now. The plot is a labyrinth, but the core idea is simple: a special effects artist for the movies is convinced to do a job for the government. But, of course, all hell breaks loose and he has to use his special effects knowledge and expertise to escape and, eventually, turn the tables. It can be confusing (who knows what? Why? How??) but it little matters - this is unique, clever, and worth catching.

House (1985)

Like Deathstalker above, this and its sequel couldn't be more different. This one is about a Vietnam vet and author whose life is wrecked when the evil house belonging to his aunt "eats" his son - the son vanishes and no one can find him. Fast forward to the death of the aunt, which prompts our hero to take over the house, and confront the evil - and maybe even rescue his son. It's typical '80s horror with some nice practical special effects.

House II (1987)

The sequel is WAY different. Guy inherits the same evil house. Guy invites friends to come live with him. Then guy and friend raise great-great-great-grandfather from the dead using an Aztec skull (!). Grandfather is essentially a zombie, but he's self-aware and lots of fun. The movie is extremely light in tone, very comedic, and has none of the brooding nightmare qualities of the first installment. I liked this one more, but I'm not sure why. Wacky stuff.

PART SIX

Catching Up Pt 4

The First Turn-On! (1983)

I confess, I couldn't make it through this one. It's a bunch of horny teens all describing the first sexual experience that really did it for them, all while trapped in a cave due to an avalanche. This is EXACTLY what you would expect.

Deathstalker (1983)

Interesting movie, as is the sequel. Apparently made by Roger Corman and Howard Cohen, filmed in Argentina, this is very low rent "sword and sandals" fantasy that is aimed squarely at teen boys: full frontal nudity, lots of sword fighting, wisecracking musclebound hero (an effective Rick Hill). Highly derivative of Conan the Barbarian/Destroyer. Nevertheless, it moves breezily and never overstays its welcome. It may not be smart, or important, but it really doesn't want to be - it's fantasy fluff aimed at boys. I would have loved this if I was about five years older.

Deathstalker II (1987)

The sequel is actually much better! This feels like an entirely different movie than the first, which was clearly a Conan the Barbarian clone. This is something lighter - much more comedy, many more one-liners - and smarter. It feels like it winks at the viewer throughout. There also seems to be less nudity, which is intriguing for a film made by Jim Wynorski ("breasts are the cheapest special effect"). They also recast Deathstalker, the new guy is much smaller but also more agile. If you see one, you should see the other. There is also a third one, but I haven't gotten my hands on it yet.

Up the Creek (1984)

I started out hating this, but ended up liking it. The premise is braindead: a group of colleges compete in a river race, with prestige as the main prize. There is a girl's school, an ivy league ... and the morons from the "worst college in America," who must win or face expulsion. This movie makes little sense, and isn't even that fun in the beginning, but something odd happens about halfway through: you really start to hate those damned corrupt ivy league yuppies. This is one of those movies where you're willing to root for the heroes only because the villains are so bad. There is little else going for this one, but the premise is unique (how many other river race movies are there?) and it might be worth checking out, especially if you're interested in what happened to the genre founded by Animal House.

Aenigma (1987)

A Lucio Fulci horror film, this is not very good. I was disappointed at every turn. Young girl student is embarrassed into a coma, her spirit possesses a new girl and she begins to take bloody revenge against the elitist girls responsible for her condition. It's ... not great. The best part of the movie (spoiler) is the death-by-snails scene, where one girl laying in bed is killed, somehow, by being covered in snails. Maybe they were poisonous? Maybe she had a heart attack? Who knows, but it's the only time I've seen someone die from snails. Avoid this one, though.

PART FIVE

Catching Up Pt 3

The Goonies (1985)

The massive hit film of 1985 (8th highest grossing, just behind films like Witness, Cocoon, and Rocky IV), this perennial favorite is always worth watching - although the older I get, the more I find the first twenty minutes or so tend to drag. Great cast, standouts everywhere, along with great direction (Richard Donner) and great script (Spielberg). Hard to say anything new about this one, although I will comment that Ke Huy Quan ("Data" here and "Short Round" in Temple of Doom a couple years later) really should have made a lot more movies. Highly recommended.

Wargames (1983)

This is a real gem, and was a major smash success - 5th highest grossing movie of 1983, behind only Trading Places, Flashdance, Tootsie, and Return of the Jedi. That's serious clout, right there. Matthew Broderick (in my favorite role of his) is a young nerd who uses his computer to impress a girl (best use of computer). He hacks a local military installation, discovers "games" on the server, and attempts to play. His "game" starts a very real nuclear war simulation exercise that gets increasingly real, and the rest of the movie is about trying to convince the computer it's all a game after all. Really tight script, compelling plot, very few awkward moments, and most of all - it's exciting. Lots of chases and escapes and ingenuity. Highly worth seeing, especially for the window into the Cold War mentality of the early '80s, which I vividly remember. Fantastic cast.

Over the Top (1987)

Second time I've reviewed this: A personal favorite of mine, this is a crazy movie that could only have come out in the '80s - a long haul trucker dad (Stallone) who is also a professional arm wrestler (!) suddenly gains custody of his estranged young son (!!) and must learn to be a father while simultaneously avoiding the boy's sleazy rich grandfather AND making his way to Vegas for the arm wrestling championships(!!!). It's insane, and glorious. Nothing makes any sense, but it hardly matters - the movie has a lot of heart and soul, and Stallone has a lot of chemistry with the kid. Plus it's just *interesting* to watch professional arm wrestlers ply their trade - a real window into a little-seen world. This might be wacky and have a few cliched scenes you can see coming a mile away, but it's still really worth it. A real '80s time capsule.

The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai (1984)

A cult classic that leaves me cold at the end. Peter Weller is the titular Buckaroo Banzai, a kind of master-of-all-trades scientist/car racer/adventurer/agent/guy. He has to stop evil interdimensional beings from destroying/taking over, etc. The real standout here is Jeff Goldblum, who is solid gold and steals all his scenes. I can't love this movie, but I recognize all the qualities that make it an underground favorite - it's extremely quirky, intelligent, and there is little else like it, especially at the time. Worth investigating.

Return to Horror High (1987)

I liked this a lot more than I thought I would - it's very meta, and plays with genre conventions in a fairly novel way. The premise is that a group of filmmakers return to film a documentary/reenactment at a high school where a massacre happened in the recent past. Except now the killer begins killing off the actors! Meanwhile, there is a lot of commentary about '80s teen horror movies, with a seriously unexpected twist ending (which is actually two or three twists in one). It's not great, by any means, but it's a cut above most of the teen horror dross you find in the '80s. Worth checking out. Also, a young George Clooney is the first to die (!).

PART FOUR

Catching Up Pt 2

School Spirit (1985)

This was a weird one. Extremely low budget movie where a college student is killed in a car accident, but comes back as a ghost with the help of his ghost mentor (his uncle, played by John Finnegan). All-too-predictably, he gets soft revenge on his rivals, falls in love, and realizes there was a lot more to life than he was taking advantage of. High point for TV fans: Larry Linville from M*A*S*H is the school principal! This movie is watchable, but it also doesn't have anything to say yet continually tries to Make a Point. I'd avoid.

The Golden Child (1986)

The well-known Eddie Murphy vehicle, made at the very height of his powers. This was a rather public miss at the box office (and Murphy disparaged it on late-night talk shows, explaining the studio interfered and butchered the original script in favor of Murphy just mugging for the camera), but still has a lot of charm. It may not be in the same league as Beverly Hill Cop, but there is a lot to like here. The golden child herself (yes, the actor was a girl) has a lot of charm, and of course Eddie Murphy can do no wrong, even when he's endlessly ad libbing from a chopped up script. Worth seeing.

Moving Target (TV movie, 1988)

Amazon Prime fooled me and told me this was a regular film - it's not, instead it's a TV movie from '88. Still, it's interesting - Jason Bateman (yes, coming off Silver Spoons and beginning to accelerate his career) is a music prodigy who goes to band camp, only to find it stifling and runs away. Except when he gets home, his house is empty and his parents are gone...! I'll spoil a 32 year old TV movie for you: his family is in witness protection, and the bad guys are now out to kidnap him, while the government is out to protect him, and he's just running from everyone. It's OK.

Deadtime Stories (1986)

Surprisingly fun, with a great theme song, this is a horror anthology that revolves around stories being read to a young nephew by a frustrated babysitter uncle who is also something of a pervert. The three short sections are weird and goofy and don't take themselves too seriously. The whole thing is over before it can wear out its welcome, and is recommended to fans of that "bubblegum horror" of the '80s.

The Mutilator (1984)

Among the worst-titled movies on this list, nobody really gets mutilated much in this standard teen horror flick. Just straight murdered, mostly. Plot is a little odd: young boy cleaning gun accidentally shoots and kills his mother. Father arrives home, sees what happened, immediately becomes homicidal/insane. Cut to years later when boy is now a young man and father is still homicidal/insane. Boy takes friends to beach house. Crazy murder dad kills them off one by one, as per '80s teen rules. This is strictly by the numbers and really has nothing special to recommend it.

PART THREE

Saturday, May 16, 2020

Cat People (1982)

Cat People, from 1982, is an odd one. I would guess that this is one of those movies that was made up as they went along - it can't quite decide what it is. Is it a supernatural mystery? An action movie of voodoo and love? An erotic incestuous thriller? A documentary about zoos and were-cats? All of them? None of them? It's impossible to really pin this down.

Mostly unrelated to the 1942 movie of the same name, Natassja Kinski plays a woman who goes to live in New Orleans with her brother (Malcolm MacDowell). Almost immediately he begins hitting on her (!), and her response isn't quite what you'd imagine. Instead of revulsion and disgust, she is simply chilly and uncomfortable. It's the first in a series of unusual interactions between them.

Catching Up (1980-1989)

Here is a quick rundown of some 80s movies I've seen lately in my ongoing quest:

The Shining (1980)

The famous Kubrick film... I like it more and more the older I get. This time around I was really struck by the incredibly disturbing score. Great film! Recommended to anyone.

Escape From New York (1981)

The famous John Carpenter film, action movie with Kurt Russell taking place in future New York - now a prison island. Imagine the chagrin of the real estate community. "Sorry, Bob, your $44 million penthouse suite is now a high security prison for gang members. But I have this great lakefront house in Cleveland to show you..." This movie has a fantastic atmosphere and wonderful supporting cast. One of the best action movies of the '80s.

Pretty in Pink (1986)

Movies like this send me straight back to my middle childhood (old enough to remember, but not a teen in the '90s yet). I often watched these late at night (on Fox 5 in the DC area, back when it was the rogue network), not quite understanding the teenage angst, but soaking in the look: the clothes, the speech, the cars, the bikes, the high school hallways, you name it. Like any young kid, I wanted to belong with the older kids. Pretty in Pink is a real masterpiece, Molly Ringwald is pursued by her best friend (scene-stealing Jon Cryer) but is herself intrigued by the sensitive yuppie. Written by John Hughes and it shows. Teen movie with adult depth, and a real heart.

Planes, Trains, and Automobiles (1987)

A favorite in my family while I was growing up, we worshiped at the altar of John Candy (and still do, really). Steve Martin is a businessman just trying to get home for Thanksgiving, but a litany of bad luck and mistakes means he continually crosses paths with traveling salesman John Candy. Both actors are magnificent in this really hilarious comedy, although the script allows Candy to show off a bit more range. First rate.

Joysticks (1983)

I was looking forward to this one, but I was let down. It's a Z-rate titty-comedy about a local arcade whose studly young manager has to ward off the unwanted attentions of the local real estate magnate. There are some very strange choices made in this film, especially the odd goth gang (what is going on there?). Clearly made by a writer/director who didn't understand video games or arcades, yet decided to set an entire movie in that world. Basically a teen sex comedy with no brains, or heart. Empty, avoid.

PART TWO

I Will Watch EVERY 80s Movie Ever Made!