Valet Girls (1987)

Valet Girls (1987) is a dumb, offensive, cheesy sex comedy, the kind I remember running somewhat censored late at night on Fox back in the late '80s and early '90s. Where I lived, the local Fox affiliate ran these cheap movies all the time, and three in a row on Sundays. Fox was the "edgy" network then, and I don't think they quite had the broadcast content yet to fill up the whole 24 hours, so they dumped a ton of movies onto the airwaves.

Valet Girls revolves around one of the dumbest ideas I've ever come across in a movie: a trio of girls run a valet company with the idea of meeting famous people at parties and propelling their stagnant careers into the stratosphere. 

Excuse me?

Come again??

What, now???

This makes about as much sense as if I tried to be an astronaut by mowing the grass outside NASA. Completely braindead, and it's no wonder this is the ONLY movie the screenwriter ever made. He was badly overmatched. 

The movie is thoroughly, densely '80s though. From the opening credits written in neon cursive, to the synth-bop soundtrack, to the insane futuristic outfits and hairdos, it just screams '80s. 

What is annoying though, is that the hack director (Rafal Zielinski - a stain on the name, since I happen to personally know a crew of kick-ass Zielinskis) keeps inserting "Ba Dum BOOM" joke sound effects everywhere. A mindless aspiring singer tells an old pervert her stage name is Egypt, and a stupid little faux-Egyptian motif plays. It's that kind of movie - it's a cheap, dumb sex comedy that really wants to be a cartoon. 

So the catch in the dreams of the Valet Girls crew is that in order to get in with the bigwig music producers and whatnot, they must endure the endless old lecherous bastards who are invited to these parties. Truly disgusting, these old men, yet the movie plays them for loose laughs. "Oh ho ho, that fat old disgusting sexist swine nearly raped three girls in the last ten minutes, chuckle chuckle, the scamp! The fat ol' rapscallion! Oh look, here is in the hot tub with a girl who looks 14!"

Still, the movie isn't without a a few small gems here and there. My favorite, by far, was the surprise appearance of Tony Cox, best known perhaps as the black elf in Bad Santa. He's always fun wherever he appears. Also worth watching are Magie Song and the Fibonaccis, who sing in the background of the parties, including a really trippy cover of Purple Haze.

There are also a couple of gay bodybuilder bodyguards who are funny now and again. And Ron Jeremy also has a lineless performance as a party guest who wakes up from a dead stupor on a couch and grabs a handful of breath mints on his way out the door. 

The movie also has a nice feast for the eyes in the way of cars, a nice logical bone to throw the audience since the movie IS ostensibly about the profession of parking fancy cars. 

But mostly it's just endless scenes of the three girls meeting fat rich old pigs and getting their asses squeezed and tits ogled until they finally have enough and organize a really braindead revenge revolving around the 50th birthday party of the Hugh Hefner wannabe who has tortured the girls throughout with his grabbings. The end of the movie just ... happens, with no fanfare. Nothing more to see here, move along, move along.

For a more celebratory take on the film, check here: http://houseofselfindulgence.blogspot.com/2011/02/valet-girls-rafal-zielinski-1987.html

And to catch a peek at the wild Magie Song, check this: