Interesting movie, made by Penelope Spheeris, about - you guessed it - the vice squad in Hollywood. Stars Carrie Fisher! And quite a good supporting cast. It borders on exploitation throughout, and has a strange tone that really wants to be gritty but comes across as a bit silly. A curiosity - how did they get Spheeris to direct this??
Evils of the Night (1985)
Yech. Teen sex horror: group of teens who are constantly nude or topless and on the verge of carnal activity are kidnapped by vampiric aliens for their young virile blood. Worthless movie, this is real Z-grade stuff. Clearly made for horny 13-year-old boys who were willing to put up with the "plot" to get at the boobs.
Screwballs (1983)
Teen sex comedy, but this one actually provoked laughter. Directed by Rafael Zielinksi, this is no masterpiece but contained enough jokes and good will that I watched through to the end. A group of male friends all try to make it with the chaste/prude most popular girl, all while madcap sexual hysteria roils in the background. It's light-hearted, it's not too cruel to the characters, and - maybe what I liked most - there is a congenial spirit throughout the movie where everyone seems to like each other. Fun, if dumb.
F/X (1986)
I watched this with my mom on VHS not too long after it came out - it was great fun then, and it remains great fun now. The plot is a labyrinth, but the core idea is simple: a special effects artist for the movies is convinced to do a job for the government. But, of course, all hell breaks loose and he has to use his special effects knowledge and expertise to escape and, eventually, turn the tables. It can be confusing (who knows what? Why? How??) but it little matters - this is unique, clever, and worth catching.
House (1985)
Like Deathstalker above, this and its sequel couldn't be more different. This one is about a Vietnam vet and author whose life is wrecked when the evil house belonging to his aunt "eats" his son - the son vanishes and no one can find him. Fast forward to the death of the aunt, which prompts our hero to take over the house, and confront the evil - and maybe even rescue his son. It's typical '80s horror with some nice practical special effects.
House II (1987)
The sequel is WAY different. Guy inherits the same evil house. Guy invites friends to come live with him. Then guy and friend raise great-great-great-grandfather from the dead using an Aztec skull (!). Grandfather is essentially a zombie, but he's self-aware and lots of fun. The movie is extremely light in tone, very comedic, and has none of the brooding nightmare qualities of the first installment. I liked this one more, but I'm not sure why. Wacky stuff.
I confess, I couldn't make it through this one. It's a bunch of horny teens all describing the first sexual experience that really did it for them, all while trapped in a cave due to an avalanche. This is EXACTLY what you would expect.
Deathstalker (1983)
Interesting movie, as is the sequel. Apparently made by Roger Corman and Howard Cohen, filmed in Argentina, this is very low rent "sword and sandals" fantasy that is aimed squarely at teen boys: full frontal nudity, lots of sword fighting, wisecracking musclebound hero (an effective Rick Hill). Highly derivative of Conan the Barbarian/Destroyer. Nevertheless, it moves breezily and never overstays its welcome. It may not be smart, or important, but it really doesn't want to be - it's fantasy fluff aimed at boys. I would have loved this if I was about five years older.
Deathstalker II (1987)
The sequel is actually much better! This feels like an entirely different movie than the first, which was clearly a Conan the Barbarian clone. This is something lighter - much more comedy, many more one-liners - and smarter. It feels like it winks at the viewer throughout. There also seems to be less nudity, which is intriguing for a film made by Jim Wynorski ("breasts are the cheapest special effect"). They also recast Deathstalker, the new guy is much smaller but also more agile. If you see one, you should see the other. There is also a third one, but I haven't gotten my hands on it yet.
Up the Creek (1984)
I started out hating this, but ended up liking it. The premise is braindead: a group of colleges compete in a river race, with prestige as the main prize. There is a girl's school, an ivy league ... and the morons from the "worst college in America," who must win or face expulsion. This movie makes little sense, and isn't even that fun in the beginning, but something odd happens about halfway through: you really start to hate those damned corrupt ivy league yuppies. This is one of those movies where you're willing to root for the heroes only because the villains are so bad. There is little else going for this one, but the premise is unique (how many other river race movies are there?) and it might be worth checking out, especially if you're interested in what happened to the genre founded by Animal House.
Aenigma (1987)
A Lucio Fulci horror film, this is not very good. I was disappointed at every turn. Young girl student is embarrassed into a coma, her spirit possesses a new girl and she begins to take bloody revenge against the elitist girls responsible for her condition. It's ... not great. The best part of the movie (spoiler) is the death-by-snails scene, where one girl laying in bed is killed, somehow, by being covered in snails. Maybe they were poisonous? Maybe she had a heart attack? Who knows, but it's the only time I've seen someone die from snails. Avoid this one, though.
The massive hit film of 1985 (8th highest grossing, just behind films like Witness, Cocoon, and Rocky IV), this perennial favorite is always worth watching - although the older I get, the more I find the first twenty minutes or so tend to drag. Great cast, standouts everywhere, along with great direction (Richard Donner) and great script (Spielberg). Hard to say anything new about this one, although I will comment that Ke Huy Quan ("Data" here and "Short Round" in Temple of Doom a couple years later) really should have made a lot more movies. Highly recommended.
Wargames (1983)
This is a real gem, and was a major smash success - 5th highest grossing movie of 1983, behind only Trading Places, Flashdance, Tootsie, and Return of the Jedi. That's serious clout, right there. Matthew Broderick (in my favorite role of his) is a young nerd who uses his computer to impress a girl (best use of computer). He hacks a local military installation, discovers "games" on the server, and attempts to play. His "game" starts a very real nuclear war simulation exercise that gets increasingly real, and the rest of the movie is about trying to convince the computer it's all a game after all. Really tight script, compelling plot, very few awkward moments, and most of all - it's exciting. Lots of chases and escapes and ingenuity. Highly worth seeing, especially for the window into the Cold War mentality of the early '80s, which I vividly remember. Fantastic cast.
Over the Top (1987)
Second time I've reviewed this: A personal favorite of mine, this is a crazy movie that could only have come out in the '80s - a long haul trucker dad (Stallone) who is also a professional arm wrestler (!) suddenly gains custody of his estranged young son (!!) and must learn to be a father while simultaneously avoiding the boy's sleazy rich grandfather AND making his way to Vegas for the arm wrestling championships(!!!). It's insane, and glorious. Nothing makes any sense, but it hardly matters - the movie has a lot of heart and soul, and Stallone has a lot of chemistry with the kid. Plus it's just *interesting* to watch professional arm wrestlers ply their trade - a real window into a little-seen world. This might be wacky and have a few cliched scenes you can see coming a mile away, but it's still really worth it. A real '80s time capsule.
The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai (1984)
A cult classic that leaves me cold at the end. Peter Weller is the titular Buckaroo Banzai, a kind of master-of-all-trades scientist/car racer/adventurer/agent/guy. He has to stop evil interdimensional beings from destroying/taking over, etc. The real standout here is Jeff Goldblum, who is solid gold and steals all his scenes. I can't love this movie, but I recognize all the qualities that make it an underground favorite - it's extremely quirky, intelligent, and there is little else like it, especially at the time. Worth investigating.
Return to Horror High (1987)
I liked this a lot more than I thought I would - it's very meta, and plays with genre conventions in a fairly novel way. The premise is that a group of filmmakers return to film a documentary/reenactment at a high school where a massacre happened in the recent past. Except now the killer begins killing off the actors! Meanwhile, there is a lot of commentary about '80s teen horror movies, with a seriously unexpected twist ending (which is actually two or three twists in one). It's not great, by any means, but it's a cut above most of the teen horror dross you find in the '80s. Worth checking out. Also, a young George Clooney is the first to die (!).
This was a weird one. Extremely low budget movie where a college student is killed in a car accident, but comes back as a ghost with the help of his ghost mentor (his uncle, played by John Finnegan). All-too-predictably, he gets soft revenge on his rivals, falls in love, and realizes there was a lot more to life than he was taking advantage of. High point for TV fans: Larry Linville from M*A*S*H is the school principal! This movie is watchable, but it also doesn't have anything to say yet continually tries to Make a Point. I'd avoid.
The Golden Child (1986)
The well-known Eddie Murphy vehicle, made at the very height of his powers. This was a rather public miss at the box office (and Murphy disparaged it on late-night talk shows, explaining the studio interfered and butchered the original script in favor of Murphy just mugging for the camera), but still has a lot of charm. It may not be in the same league as Beverly Hill Cop, but there is a lot to like here. The golden child herself (yes, the actor was a girl) has a lot of charm, and of course Eddie Murphy can do no wrong, even when he's endlessly ad libbing from a chopped up script. Worth seeing.
Moving Target (TV movie, 1988)
Amazon Prime fooled me and told me this was a regular film - it's not, instead it's a TV movie from '88. Still, it's interesting - Jason Bateman (yes, coming off Silver Spoons and beginning to accelerate his career) is a music prodigy who goes to band camp, only to find it stifling and runs away. Except when he gets home, his house is empty and his parents are gone...! I'll spoil a 32 year old TV movie for you: his family is in witness protection, and the bad guys are now out to kidnap him, while the government is out to protect him, and he's just running from everyone. It's OK.
Deadtime Stories (1986)
Surprisingly fun, with a great theme song, this is a horror anthology that revolves around stories being read to a young nephew by a frustrated babysitter uncle who is also something of a pervert. The three short sections are weird and goofy and don't take themselves too seriously. The whole thing is over before it can wear out its welcome, and is recommended to fans of that "bubblegum horror" of the '80s.
The Mutilator (1984)
Among the worst-titled movies on this list, nobody really gets mutilated much in this standard teen horror flick. Just straight murdered, mostly. Plot is a little odd: young boy cleaning gun accidentally shoots and kills his mother. Father arrives home, sees what happened, immediately becomes homicidal/insane. Cut to years later when boy is now a young man and father is still homicidal/insane. Boy takes friends to beach house. Crazy murder dad kills them off one by one, as per '80s teen rules. This is strictly by the numbers and really has nothing special to recommend it.
Cat People, from 1982, is an odd one. I would guess that this is one of those movies that was made up as they went along - it can't quite decide what it is. Is it a supernatural mystery? An action movie of voodoo and love? An erotic incestuous thriller? A documentary about zoos and were-cats? All of them? None of them? It's impossible to really pin this down. Mostly unrelated to the 1942 movie of the same name, Natassja Kinski plays a woman who goes to live in New Orleans with her brother (Malcolm MacDowell). Almost immediately he begins hitting on her (!), and her response isn't quite what you'd imagine. Instead of revulsion and disgust, she is simply chilly and uncomfortable. It's the first in a series of unusual interactions between them.
Here is a quick rundown of some 80s movies I've seen lately in my ongoing quest:
The Shining (1980)
The famous Kubrick film... I like it more and more the older I get. This time around I was really struck by the incredibly disturbing score. Great film! Recommended to anyone.
Escape From New York (1981)
The famous John Carpenter film, action movie with Kurt Russell taking place in future New York - now a prison island. Imagine the chagrin of the real estate community. "Sorry, Bob, your $44 million penthouse suite is now a high security prison for gang members. But I have this great lakefront house in Cleveland to show you..." This movie has a fantastic atmosphere and wonderful supporting cast. One of the best action movies of the '80s.
Pretty in Pink (1986)
Movies like this send me straight back to my middle childhood (old enough to remember, but not a teen in the '90s yet). I often watched these late at night (on Fox 5 in the DC area, back when it was the rogue network), not quite understanding the teenage angst, but soaking in the look: the clothes, the speech, the cars, the bikes, the high school hallways, you name it. Like any young kid, I wanted to belong with the older kids. Pretty in Pink is a real masterpiece, Molly Ringwald is pursued by her best friend (scene-stealing Jon Cryer) but is herself intrigued by the sensitive yuppie. Written by John Hughes and it shows. Teen movie with adult depth, and a real heart.
Planes, Trains, and Automobiles (1987)
A favorite in my family while I was growing up, we worshiped at the altar of John Candy (and still do, really). Steve Martin is a businessman just trying to get home for Thanksgiving, but a litany of bad luck and mistakes means he continually crosses paths with traveling salesman John Candy. Both actors are magnificent in this really hilarious comedy, although the script allows Candy to show off a bit more range. First rate.
Joysticks (1983)
I was looking forward to this one, but I was let down. It's a Z-rate titty-comedy about a local arcade whose studly young manager has to ward off the unwanted attentions of the local real estate magnate. There are some very strange choices made in this film, especially the odd goth gang (what is going on there?). Clearly made by a writer/director who didn't understand video games or arcades, yet decided to set an entire movie in that world. Basically a teen sex comedy with no brains, or heart. Empty, avoid.
As this blog proceeds ever so slowly due to the pressing yet mundane concerns of "real" life (because really, nothing is more real than '80s movies), I find myself discovering and rediscovering movies completely by accident. Most of the movies featured on this blog are quasi-intentional: I saw it once or twice as a kid or as a teenager and want to watch it again, revel in the glory or the shame, and share those feelings and thoughts. I also enjoy looking up the things only available in the age of the internet: earnings, the histories of stars, directors, and producers, and other random trivia and factoids that the information age has gifted us. But sometimes I just stumble across a mystery movie late at night, or I hear about one on another blog somewhere, and that's what happened with these two. For exampe, Teen Witch I found thanks to the hilarious movie podcast How Did This Get Made, which has featured several other '80s movies that I plan to cover here eventually. Teen Witch (1989) surprised me, both because I had never heard of it despite being more or less aimed right at my age group late in the decade, and also because it was a spin-off of Teen Wolf (1985), one of the quintessential '80s coming-of-age tales and a movie I've seen a dozen times. Teen Witch obviously takes the theme of "teenager discovers that they have hidden, supernatural gifts that allow them become popular and prominent ... but at a cost" and simply flips the gender and converts Werewolf into Witch. Yet... it's tremendously likeable. Our lead is Louise Miller, played by Robin Lively, and she looks a lot like the girls on the fringes of popularity did look back in 1989. As an aside, is "Louise Miller" the least likely name possible for a witch, or what? If you were walking down the street and saw a sign advertising "Tarot Readings with Louise," the chances you'd stop are near zero. Not even "Madame Louise" can save it. Louise feels hopelessly unpopular, awkward, and desperately out of the league of her boy crush Brad (Dan Gauthier). But, luckily enough, one day she accidentally meets a real witch in a dark spooky house, and the witch informs her that not only was Louise a witch in a past life (hilariously, she shows Louise a yearbook from centuries past that has photographs in it somehow), but that Louise is a witch in THIS life, once she turns 16. She proceeds to train (and exploit) Louise's witchery. This witch is played by the always memorable Zelda Rubinstein (Poltergeist). Louise also has a crazy family, especially her brother Ritchie, played by the fantastic Joshua Miller. We've seen Joshua Miller elsewhere in this blog, when he plays Keanu Reeves's little brother in the movie River's Edge (1986), another role he excels in. Here he plays possibly the most bizarre and most annoying little brother in any film. Her mom and dad (Caren Kaye and Dick Sargeant, the latter's casting must be some kind of Bewitched in-joke) are suitably square as all parents of teenagers must be, and generally her family hinders her efforts to be the coolest girl witch in school. The movie progresses almost identically to Can't Buy Me Love (1987) - teen gets power/money, teen uses it to change appearance and mannerisms, teen becomes extremely cool and popular but leaving old friends in the dust, teen realizes the popular life is shallow and full of problems and not what it seemed, teen must figure out a way to be authentic again and get back friends who value them for who they really are ... often earning the respect and admiration of their love interest along the way. The plot of Teen Witch checks every single box. But Robin Lively is nice in her role, the casting is really great across the board, and her best friend is fantastic, played by Amanda Ingber (now a yoga instructor! And I bet a great one). Check out the famous "Top That" rap performed by best friend Polly, after being betwitched by Louise:
Amazing, right? TOP THAT. TOP THAT. I want to yell it all day. TOP THAT. Teen Witch was written by Robin Menken and Vernon Zimmerman. Menken also wrote Young Lust (1983), but is mostly known as an actress (This is Spinal Tap, Body Rock, Head Office, Scenes from the Class Struggle in Beverly Hills). Zimmerman, among other credits, wrote and directed Fade to Black (1980), a horror movie I've long wanted to see. Teen Witch was directed by Dorian Walker, who also directed Making the Grade (1984) and a few other items, including episodes of America's Castles, which I dimly remember from the mid-'90s. As for finances... at first, when I looked up the numbers, I thought it was a typo. The movie cost $2,500,000 to make, and only made back $27,843. I figured some zeroes were missing there but no, it only made twenty-seven grand and change. Released in April of 1989, it apparently came up against extremely stiff competition in Stephen King's Pet Sematary and also the movie I and everyone else saw in April '89 - Field of Dreams. Too bad, this is underrated and should be better known (other than "Top That," which is maybe too well known) - so big thanks to How Did This Get Made for showcasing it. License to Drive (1988) I found randomly on TV last night, and vaguely remembered it from its original release although I never saw it then. The movie featured Corey Haim as a teenager who I had a really difficult time getting a handle on. He's a whining, lying, deceptive sixteen year old (weren't we all?) but he has that natural Corey Haim charm including some really funny facial expressions and sound effects that win you over once in a while. Overall I liked him. The plot is beyond simple: Boy needs car to get girl, boy has no license so steals family car, hijinks ensue where stolen car is constantly imperiled and boy is out of his depth with girl, finally boy is caught and has a rueful Growing Up Talk with dad, boy realizes cars aren't everything but girls (and family) are. The Boy here is Corey Haim, who is in full Corey mode. His best friend in the movie is Corey Feldman, who was also his best friend in real life. They have an obvious chemistry and so the teenage portions of this movie work pretty well. Astoundingly the love interest, named Mercedes (ha ha... ha), is played by a very very young Heather Graham. She looks so little like herself in later films I did a double take after reading that it was her. Perhaps the best thing about the movie are the parents, Richard Masur and Carol Kane - both completely fantastic movie parents, and both surprisingly realistic at moments. They carry their scenes well. There is also a really great scene with James Avery (the dad from Fresh Prince of Bel Air) as a DMV driving examiner. Also starring is an array of wonderful cars: a '72 Cadillac DeVille, an Alfa Romeo Spider, a Corvette, etc. - all great dream cars for boys of the late '80s - but most notably a gorgeous red Ferrari 308 GTS, aka The Magnum P.I. Car, which features prominently in the opening fantasy sequence. License to Drive isn't a deep movie, but it's nice in a small way, mostly due to appealing performances that overcome a by-the-numbers script. Speaking of, it was written by Neil Tolkin, who also wrote Richie Rich and Pauly Shore's Jury Duty, both in the '90s, and it was directed by Greg Beeman in his debut, and who has become a successful television director with Smallville, Heroes, and JAG. According to Wikipedia, it had a budget of $8 million and made $22 million (!), making it a pretty moderate hit in 1988. Pretty good, considering it was up against the juggernauts Who Framed Roger Rabbit and Coming to America from late June, and Die Hard and Midnight Run in mid-July. It was lucky that the only same-week competition it had was Short Circuit 2 (barf).
