Conan the Barbarian (1982)

I had the poster for this movie on my apartment wall for years. This was a hugely formative movie for me growing up - I would stomp around my house with whatever object I could fashion into a sword (often a tree branch) and slash at cushions, books, errant furniture, anything that seemed in my way, while yelling "CROM!!!"

This is Schwarzenegger's first major film, and the story behind it is pretty interesting. He had appeared as a muscular curiosity in Hollywood films for years, like Hercules in New York (1969, surprisingly entertaining) and The Big Goodbye (1973, brief cameo) and Stay Hungry (1976, a Jeff Bridges/Sally Field Southern romance involving a gym. Yes, you read that right). 

But then in 1977 the documentary Pumping Iron came out, and that elevated Arnold to national attention all on his own; most importantly, it spotlighted his immensely winning personality, full of surprising (and sly) intelligence, good humor, and endless drive to succeed. 

And then came Conan. This movie was written with only Arnold in mind for the main role, and it shows: it plays to his strengths (tremendous physical presence), plays down his weaknesses (long lines of dialog, complex emotive requirements), and does it all in a magnificent sword 'n' sorcery atmosphere that is rich, beautiful, and really well directed. 

It cannot be stated enough what a sensation Conan the Barbarian was when it came out - I recently read that here in Washington DC the lines stretched for blocks. This movie launched Arnold into full profile, and lead directly to the main run of his success: The Terminator, Red Sonja, Commando, Raw Deal, Predator, The Running Man, etc. etc. etc. 

The plot is pretty simple: it begins with Conan as a child, being lectured by his father about Crom the underground god of war from whom men took steel. Then his family is slaughtered during a raid by the main villain Thulsa Doom, portrayed by the wonderfully charismatic (and creepy as hell) James Earl Jones (!). Jones' hair in this movie has to be seen to be believed, it's just fantastic. 

Conan is sold into slavery, where he grows huge and strong through years of forced labor. Eventually he is freed (for reasons that are never quite clear to me), he finds a sword, and begins his slow journey towards revenge. Along the way he finds friends: the thief/archer Subotai (played by the greatest surfer that ever lived, Gerry Lopez!), the female barbarian Valeria (the fantastic Sandahl Bergman), and The Wizard (played expertly by Mako, and also our narrator). 

Eventually he confronts Thulsa Doom directly, but not before experiencing hardship, loss, and many, many battles. Worth noting are Thulsa Doom's two lieutenants, Rexor and Thorgrim. Rexor is played by NFL star Ben Davidson (who is immense in stature), and Thorgrim played by the Danish strongman Sven-Ole Thorsen, who was Denmark's Strongest Man in 1983. Finally, King Osric, who assigns Conan a quest to rescue a princess, is played (to the hilt) by Max Von Sydow (!). 

The movie is filmed across Europe, but the sets are truly beautiful - giant boulders, endless horizons, towering mountains, falling snow, illuminated caverns, dessicated thrones with the bones of ancient kings, orgy-strewn cult chambers... it has it all. There is fantastic cinematography through, and a really memorable and epic score by the Greek composer Basil Poledouris. The movie was obviously lovingly made and it shows in every corner.

Apparently Oliver Stone was recruited at one point to write the script, and his version took place in a post-nuclear wasteland and would have doubled the budget, so director John Milius took over and massaged the script back into shape. Speaking of, this movie is co-written and directed by Milius, who is a legend in Hollywood and has his own documentary on Netflix.

Milius is well-known for hypermasculine fare like Dirty Harry (screenplay), Jeremiah Johnson (screenplay), The Wind and the Lion (director and writer), Big Wednesday (director and writer), and after Conan went on to make Red Dawn (1984), Farewell to the King (1989), and Flight of the Intruder (1991).

Conan is a real gem. It was made for $16 million and the box office take in 1982 was ~$40 million (17th highest grossing movie of that year, coming right after The Dark Crystal, and just before The Sword and the Sorcerer). The total over the years with rentals and whatnot has made it to ~$130 million - a huge success. There is a sequel made immediately after and released in 1984 that I'll review soon.