Valet Girls (1987)

Valet Girls (1987) is a dumb, offensive, cheesy sex comedy, the kind I remember running somewhat censored late at night on Fox back in the late '80s and early '90s. Where I lived, the local Fox affiliate ran these cheap movies all the time, and three in a row on Sundays. Fox was the "edgy" network then, and I don't think they quite had the broadcast content yet to fill up the whole 24 hours, so they dumped a ton of movies onto the airwaves.

Valet Girls revolves around one of the dumbest ideas I've ever come across in a movie: a trio of girls run a valet company with the idea of meeting famous people at parties and propelling their stagnant careers into the stratosphere. 

Excuse me?

Come again??

What, now???

This makes about as much sense as if I tried to be an astronaut by mowing the grass outside NASA. Completely braindead, and it's no wonder this is the ONLY movie the screenwriter ever made. He was badly overmatched. 

The movie is thoroughly, densely '80s though. From the opening credits written in neon cursive, to the synth-bop soundtrack, to the insane futuristic outfits and hairdos, it just screams '80s. 

What is annoying though, is that the hack director (Rafal Zielinski - a stain on the name, since I happen to personally know a crew of kick-ass Zielinskis) keeps inserting "Ba Dum BOOM" joke sound effects everywhere. A mindless aspiring singer tells an old pervert her stage name is Egypt, and a stupid little faux-Egyptian motif plays. It's that kind of movie - it's a cheap, dumb sex comedy that really wants to be a cartoon. 

So the catch in the dreams of the Valet Girls crew is that in order to get in with the bigwig music producers and whatnot, they must endure the endless old lecherous bastards who are invited to these parties. Truly disgusting, these old men, yet the movie plays them for loose laughs. "Oh ho ho, that fat old disgusting sexist swine nearly raped three girls in the last ten minutes, chuckle chuckle, the scamp! The fat ol' rapscallion! Oh look, here is in the hot tub with a girl who looks 14!"

Still, the movie isn't without a a few small gems here and there. My favorite, by far, was the surprise appearance of Tony Cox, best known perhaps as the black elf in Bad Santa. He's always fun wherever he appears. Also worth watching are Magie Song and the Fibonaccis, who sing in the background of the parties, including a really trippy cover of Purple Haze.

There are also a couple of gay bodybuilder bodyguards who are funny now and again. And Ron Jeremy also has a lineless performance as a party guest who wakes up from a dead stupor on a couch and grabs a handful of breath mints on his way out the door. 

The movie also has a nice feast for the eyes in the way of cars, a nice logical bone to throw the audience since the movie IS ostensibly about the profession of parking fancy cars. 

But mostly it's just endless scenes of the three girls meeting fat rich old pigs and getting their asses squeezed and tits ogled until they finally have enough and organize a really braindead revenge revolving around the 50th birthday party of the Hugh Hefner wannabe who has tortured the girls throughout with his grabbings. The end of the movie just ... happens, with no fanfare. Nothing more to see here, move along, move along.

For a more celebratory take on the film, check here: http://houseofselfindulgence.blogspot.com/2011/02/valet-girls-rafal-zielinski-1987.html

And to catch a peek at the wild Magie Song, check this: 

Making Mr. Right (1987)

Making Mr. Right (1987) is a surprisingly funny movie, for something I've never heard of even remotely. Usually funny movies get talked about, word gets around... but not this time.

This movie is about a scientist named Jeff (John Malkovich) who creates an android named Ulysses (John Malkovich) with the aim of sending him into space. To promote said android, Jeff and his employer hire a PR lady (the charismatic and attractive Ann Magnuson) who the android almost instantly bonds with. 

THERE'S A TWIST! The scientist is a horrible people person, and the android is charming, innocent, open to everything, and fun. Our PR lady ends up falling for the naive robot, and everyone ends up disliking the antisocial jerk of a scientist. 

The '80s was filled with movies about trick identities. Big, Vice Versa, Trading Places, The Secret of My Success, Coming to America, Dead Ringers, there were a ton. The whole popular culture seemed intrigued with being someone wildly different than who you seemed to be on the outside. The movie even makes a sly nod to this idea when the characters go past a movie marquee playing The Parent Trap. 

John Malkovich is quite good at both roles, although it's really more like 1.5 roles - the jerk scientist is such a pure jerk and has no other dimensions at all that it's more like half a role. His goofy grinning android is a real joy to watch, though, as he lurches around and makes inane comments and generally learns how to be human. 

This movie also features another nice '80s touch, one that I really miss: real human dynamics. One thing movies are sorely, sorely lacking now are little things - people talking over a TV dinner, parking badly at a curb, throwing a pillow at a TV when something bad happens, etc etc. People just being people. All too rare these days, but this movie is full of little quirks that make you grin and occasionally laugh out loud. 

Making Mr. Right was directed by Susan Seidelman, who also made Desperately Seeking Susan, which I didn't really care for but didn't really hate either. It pulled in a tidy 1.5 mil at the box office, but I can't find out how much it cost to make, so I have no idea if it came out profit or loss. Hopefully profit. It's a small movie, but a nice one. I wouldn't mind catching a few more like these during my quest.

Wild Thing (1987)

Wild Thing (1987) is a strange movie. Let me just introduce it by laying out the plot: It's sometime in the late '60s and three hippies - man, wife, toddler - are heading for unknown reasons to New York City in the obligatory VW van. They pick up scuzzy hitchhiker. So far, so good. 

Upon dropping him off in NYC, all hell breaks loose as kingpin drug dealer screams at hitchhiker about missing drugs. Hippies are taken hostage, then murdered, by drug kingpin and corrupt cop. Toddler son jumps into sewer (!) and is found, then raised by a bag lady. That's just the first ten minutes. 

Boy is raised on the streets, becomes quite resourceful and ultimately is like some kind of urban Tarzan. He even screeches like a threatened animal when he's under attack. Then, one day, a woman comes to the ghetto where Urban Tarzan lives (colorfully called The Zone in the movie; looks like The Bronx) to work in a Catholic mission that helps the homeless. 

She is assaulted by criminals but saved by Urban Tarzan. Criminals get pissed, begin all-out assault on this kid, who wears nothing but a weird leather loincloth thing. Of course they are no match for the pure heart and elite parkour skills of our hero. He defeats them, with some small issues, and along the way (1) loses his virginity to the lady helping out at the mission, and (2) kills those responsible for the murder of his parents.

Even for 1987, that is pretty far out there. What all that plot doesn't tell you is that this is really either an exploitation movie or an action movie. I could never quite decide which. Ebert (who I reference all the time only because he was the most visible critic of his era) makes a big hullabaloo out of how many opportunities the movie misses. But he's all wrong - he expects this to be some kind of highbrow drama or maybe wry comedy of manners about our culture. 

No, this is a lowbrow exploitation movie about cheap life in the ghetto and how the best we can all expect as far as real life superheroes is a homeless kid who climbs really well. There are so many scenes were whores get pushed around, people pay protection money, cheap villainous lackeys leer at everybody, crooked cops make shady deals, etc. It's like right out of the mid-'70s. 

And at its heart, it's also an action movie. The movie has all the conventions of the '80s action flick - broad villain who's easy to hate along with a cast of no name lackeys who exist only to die explosive deaths, pure woman just trying to help the community, wide range of supporting cast, and hero who has physical skills and is willing to use them to erase the bad guys from the face of the earth. If our hero spoke more, he would spout some killer one-liners. 

Does anyone actually remember this movie? Almost all the movies I've watched lately and written about I either remember from the actual '80s or have heard about from someone, somewhere... but not this one. This is a real wild card, so to speak.

I guess that leads to a more general question: Are there any reader requests? If so, let me know. I will try to get my hands on the movie in question and give it a spin. I'll also post reader reviews and memories if they aren't too long. So hit me up!

Thrashin' (1986)

'80s movies fetishized California to a huge, unholy degree. The number of movies I'm going to see which obsess over palm trees and bikinis and the Pacific beaches is going to be in the hundreds. 

And if there is another big subtext to 80s films, it's teen rebellion. From River's Edge to The Legend of Billie Jean to The Wizard (!) to Gleaming the Cube to The Goonies to Heathers, to name only some of the bigger movies, it was a major motif. Rebels were everywhere and, as a kid at the time, I can tell you that the message came through loud and clear. Cool kids broke the rules and did what they wanted, and amazing adventures were the result. Also, girls and sometimes treasure.

Thrashin' (1986) is  perfect example of when those two influences come together. A young Josh Brolin is Cory Webster, a name that sounds like it came straight from the 80s Name Generator. He's a teen skateboarder in California, determined to win fame and fortune in the "L.A. Massacre," a massive downhill skateboard race. As the poster delightfully notes, this movie is Hot, Reckless, and Totally Insane. 

However, there is more than a little Romeo and Juliet in Thrashin' - because Cory has fallen in love with the sister of the leader of the enemy skate gang, the Daggers. And let me tell you, the Daggers don't like it. Also, is there a better, more cliched gang name than the Daggers?? Better than Sharks, Jets, any of the classics. Daggers. Just has a great ring to it. 

This movie has a number of elements which work together really well. There is a constant soundtrack of 80s music (New Wave, synth pop, regular pop, ballads, punk, aggro punk, etc.) that changes to reflect the mood of the scene. The Red Hot Chili Peppers even play a scene of total neon surreality at a typical graffiti-stained underground unregulated nightclub:

It also has a surprisingly baroque style, where every scene is crammed full of stuff, whether it's skateboard parts or beer bottles or neon bric-a-brac or whatever. The result is kind of wild and always interesting to see. 

There are also a thousand little hilarious touches, some of which are unintentional. After Cory and his forbidden paramour hook up in the den of the Daggers, he has to escape in a really great night-time chase where, in real life, every single person would have died. In fact, there is a a great sequence where one of the Daggers flies off what looks like a 40-foot cement embankment, only to reappear later completely unhurt. 

Another funny scene: when Cory is rocking his skate routine in a competition that takes place in an empty pool, the evil Daggers throw jacks (yes, the metal toys) into the pool, which makes Cory crash and apparently generates huge bloody wounds. That's not the funny part, though - what's funny is when Cory's friend picks up a jack off the ground, study it intensely for a few seconds like some kind of jack scientist, only to conclude with total seriousness: "Daggers." 

The Jousting scene is also a classic. After burning the skate ramp of Cory's friends, a big rumble starts in the Daggers front yard, a rumble that can only end when the Daggers invite their rivals to a Joust. What is a skate joust, you might ask? It's amazing. In a foggy abandoned culvert somewhere in LA., Cory and a Dagger with a cool face-paint mask ride back and forth on their skateboards, swinging what appear to be giant bags of change attached to wooden handles via chains. It plays out like a deleted scene from The Warriors. 

I think it's probably obvious from the amount of text this movie has generated that I have an enormous soft spot for it. This is the kind of movie I thought was the coolest when I was 7 or 8 years old. It has a lot of charm, at least some of which is due to Josh Brolin's earnest good guy skater character and his team of dumb-but-lovable friends. 

The real crux of the movie is the lengthy L.A. Massacre segment. About a thousand skaters all take off as a fast drum-heavy rock song plays on the soundtrack. It looks like complete chaos and I'm sure was difficult to film. Cory, our hero, has a broken arm from the jousting scene mentioned above, making his performance extra brave and extra tough. 

Now, let me tell you: when people crash during the L.A Massacre, they don't just crash they flying 15 feet in the air, flip three times, and then crash horribly. It truly is a massacre. People wipe out going about 40 mph, crash into rocks at full speed, take each other out in gruesome ways that would make rollerderby look as gentle as eating cotton candy on a lazy Sunday at the fair. According to IMDB, the quick shot of a Dagger smoking a cigarette while EMT's bandage his terrifically broken leg actually happened. 

As you might imagine, the L.A. Massacre comes down to Cory and the head Dagger, Hook. Yes, Hook. They battle back and forth going like 65 mph on skateboards until finally Hook tries to wreck Cory, misses, and suffers a truly insane crash where he appears to break both legs, his hips, probably his arms, and land in some kind of tar pit. And yet he's up not five minutes later, having completely learned his lesson and reformed, telling Cory, "That was insane! Good race." Roll credits. WHAT?! WHAT?!?!?!?! Was he in shock from breaking so many bones at once? This was the completely immoral monster who took delight in being as sadistic as possible for 90 minutes until finally being bested in a speed race took the moxy right out of him and reminded him that hey, we're all just human here. 

Amazing. This movie is a companion to the other Great 80s Skate Movie, Gleaming the Cube (1989) which may come later in the decade but makes up for it with not just a romance, but also a murder mystery involving an adopted brother, a cop antagonist, and corrupt Asian importers (!). More on that at a later date. 

Small but interesting real life subplot here: Josh Brolin and Johnny Depp were both in consideration for both 21 Jump Street and this movie; Depp was turned down for Thrashin', and instead accepted his iconic role in Jump Street. Looking back, as fun as this movie is, it's hard to argue that Brolin got the better of the deal, as 21 Jump Street launched Depp down the path that took him into early 90s stardom. 

976-EVIL (1988) and Cop (1988)

What gives with 1988?? My cable movie sources have been running nothing but movies from '88 all week. Two more tonight: 976-EVIL and Cop. 

976 was the phone exchange in the 1980s for a ton of pay-to-call lines; my middle school memories indicate it was mostly sex lines (fake example: 976-TITS ... remember, no area codes necessary back then). This movie is the directorial debut of Robert Englund, the actor who played Freddy Krueger and made him into an icon.

And wouldn't you know it, it's not bad. Two cousins, Spike and Hoax (not kidding) are raised by Spike's overly religious mom, played by Sandy Dennis, in the second-to-last movie she ever made. Spike is cool, with a sleek ponytail and a cool leather jacket. He always gets the girl and just oozes that Fonzie "ehhhh, I don't care" cool vibe. 

His cousin, Hoax, is the opposite. Super nerd, goofy, happy-go-lucky, but eternally picked on. And, like so many 80s horror films (think Carrie or Slaughter High or April Fool's Day, etc etc etc), the picked-on guy finds a bloody way to even the score. In this movie, inventively, he called 976-EVIL, which turns out to be a hotline straight to hell (!). 

Imagine that! You pick up your rad phone, dial a number, and Satan's on the other end! That is the movie's most creative idea, and while as horror ideas go it's fairly lukewarm, it's still original. Poor Hoax becomes best buds with phone Satan, and one by one his enemies start dying. Except Satan slowly gains access to the real world via Hoax's body, until it's up to cousin Spike to set things right. 

The movie has a nice gritty, grimy feel to it - the characters are all filthy punks who live on skid row. They all look convincingly like ne'er-do-wells from the late 80s, with multiple earrings and ripped denim jackets and greasy hair. Meanwhile, the movie also has a surprisingly good sex scene between Spike and his perky, punky blonde girlfriend. It's done pretty realistically, not the usual schlocky 80s teen slasher sex. 

The special effects, ironically given the Robert Englund connection, are pretty low budget and you'll forget them the minute they leave the screen. Speaking of Englund, he must not have enjoyed directing this, because he went on to direct only one other film, about 20 years later. Sadly, the film earned a 0% on Rotten Tomatoes - which honestly is undeserved. 

Cop (1988), on the other hand, sucks more than the ratings would have you believe. Ebert gave it three stars, and it has an unbelievable 81% at Rotten Tomatoes. But I hated it - Woods is a slimy cop, obsessed with catching a killer after he finds a woman sadistically killed at the start of the film. 

But honestly, the movie is really about what a terrible, phenomenally terrible cop James Woods is. He sleeps with suspects ... he predatorily sleeps with girlfriends of people just shot and killed. Based on author James Ellroy's famously violent novel Blood on the Moon, Woods is just total human rubbish here. Which, in some settings, is awesome and works perfectly.

But not here. He's bad, but not bad enough to rise to really memorable levels, and in the end apathy wins - I didn't care about him, and I neither cared if he caught the killer or was shot and killed in a surprise twist. It's too bad - James Woods is the king of slime, it's part of the unforgettable magic of Videodrome. He goes 0 to slime in two seconds flat. 

And bad cop movies are nothing new - that genre has been well developed for decades now. Usually there is some interesting angle, though - cop has to cross the line to catch the villain (like the recent To Live and Die in L.A.), or cop breaks the rules while the villain observes some moral code, or the whole word is cess pit and the crooked cop is particularly strong evidence of it, etc etc.

So why doesn't it work here? Maybe because the movie just doesn't have anything to say - entertaining or otherwise. You just watch and feel like you're seeing the same character from Videodrome as a cop instead of a cable TV operator, except nothing surreal happens and the dialog sucks. One minute he's spouting police procedural nonsense to his boss, the next he's gross-banging a suspect, then veins are popping out of his head while he gets needlessly furious over some red tape. Maybe it would work with a different actor. Maybe the script is just hopelessly half-baked.

So James Woods as immoral violent cop isn't as fun as you'd think. Maybe it's because the directing is to staid and flat, but they never really loosen the reins - he never gets to be REALLY bad. For that, you have to watch Bad Lieutenant or Magnum Force or, the ne plus ultra of movies about evil cops, Touch of Evil - Sheriff Hank Quinlan makes the corrupt cop in Cop look like a schoolgirl frolicking in a Hello Kitty parade. 

Lady in White (1988), Married to the Mob (1988)

So let's take a quick look at 1988 for a moment, since both of tonight's movies and several recent ones have all been from that year. Wikipedia tells us that the top grossing movies were, in order:

Rain Man
Who Framed Roger Rabbit?
Coming to America
Big
Twins
Crocodile Dundee II
Die Hard
Naked Gun
Cocktail
Beetlejuice

Rain Man won the Academy Award for Best Picture, as well as a number of other awards. I don't think history has been particularly kind to Rain Man, and if today's viewers and critics were to re-vote, I bet the new pick would be something more like Midnight Run or Bull Durham or even Die Hard. Rain Man was classic, vintage Oscar bait, and the origin for the famous "going full retard" joke from Tropic Thunder. 

All that said, 1988 was a pretty weak year. I was eight years old when it was actually happening, and I can tell you first hand that Roger Rabbit and Beetlejuice were freaking sensations - everyone I knew saw them, sometimes twice. Die Hard also, if you could find a parent lenient enough to let you watch it (my dad was one). My sister worships Twins, and I think everyone agrees Big is a real treat. But in that Top 10 Grossing list, at least two - Cocktail and Crocodile Dundee II - are real losers. No offense to fans of early Cruise, but Cocktail is pretty weak and really memorable only as a cultural icon rather than as a good movie. Meanwhile, Dundee II is a shadow of the original. 

I guess it's difficult to really get into why I feel '88 was a weak year without a sprawling list of movies I think are good or bad. After all it's a feeling, not a fact. So rather than trying to justify a feeling, let me offer some proof: The Lady in White (1988). Which sucks.

To be fair to the movie (at least as fair as I'm going to get), it's designed for kids and not adults. Some kids movies can hold up both ways (like Roger Rabbit), and some cannot. The Lady in White does not. It's about a kid who witnesses a ghost, and that ghost (as ghosts are wont to do) goes ahead and reenacts a murder. Then the kid has to put clues together and solve the murder, including catching the still-on-the-loose killer. 

The kid here is played by Luke Haas, who I liked in The Witness and disliked in Solarbabies. He's OK here, I guess, but the movie has some major flaws (again, for an adult). The music is horrible and the quintessential "kid movie" soundtrack where dramatic scenes are immediately followed by jaunty playful music that undercut the tension. Or, I suppose, help small kids loosen up after the scary parts. 

I figured out who the killer was in the first 20 minutes or so of the movie. Not a good sign, since the film has nothing left to offer beyond cheap "scary" effects for kids. Ooooh! Katherine Helmond is floating right at me with her arms outstretched! BOOOOO!!!! I found the neighbor who gave out toothpaste on Halloween more terrifying.

Also, it's surprising how the movie absolutely has nothing to say about a killer who is a child predator - you'd think the cops or someone would cover that angle with a little extra outrage, but it seems like they wanted to spare the children watching EVERY real frightening element, including how horrible the villain actually is. 

It also lost a lot of money. Wikipedia says it cost 4.7 mil to make and made back 1.7 mil - ouch. Seems like everyone was out seeing Who Framed Roger Rabbit? instead, like I was. So, long (ghost) story short: not scary, not clever, meant for very very small children, not worth your time unless you are writing a blog where you have to watch it to maintain credibility. 

Married to the Mob (1988), on the other hand, is actually good. Very good. It's fairly funny, well directed, and has decent comedic performances by a number of respected actors (Michelle Pfeiffer NOT being a mannequin! Alec Baldwin being Alec Baldwin! Joan Cusack! Matthew Modine! Oliver Platt! Dean Stockwell, as disturbing as ever!).

It's a comedy about a woman who spends the first part of her life insulated by a married life in a Mafia-entrenched Italian family. Suddenly she is thrust out into the Real World which she has been craving more and more, and forced to fend for herself. However (there's always a however), the mob isn't quite done with her yet. That's the basic idea, it's simple yet effective, and Michelle Pfeiffer is a real charmer here. I am very touch-and-go on her in general, and '88 was an odd year - your average shrub would have turned in the same performance as she did in Tequila Sunrise, but she is irreplaceable in Married to the Mob. 

This movie really drips 1980s from every pore. The hair, the bright colors everywhere, the language, the attitudes, the way NYC looks, the film grain, everything. This movie is the answer to the question"what if GoodFellas was a domestic farce." 

Some interesting factoids: Dean Stockwell stayed in character the entire time on set. Of course he did, that disturbing bastard. He will forever be Ben from Blue Velvet to me, lip-synching "Candy Colored Clown" and using a shop light as a mic. Another: Matthew Modine read the script and originally didn't realize it was a comedy! Perhaps because he was still traumatized from filming Full Metal Jacket. Yet another: numerous actors from this comedy appear in other Jonathan Demme films, like Silence of the Lambs. 

The movie did well, and doubled its money - cost $10 mil, made $20 mil. Not bad. Another interesting divide, though: critics loved it (91% on Rotton Tomatoes) but the average score on IMDB is only 6/10. Go figure. 

Tequila Sunrise (1988), The Falling (1987)

Last night I tried to dig up a list of every 80s movie, so I could go through and check off the ones I've seen, then post it here.

That turns out to be a surprisingly difficult task. No one seems to have compiled a thorough list of every movie. The best I was able to come up with was a combination of IMDB and Box Office Mojo... the total? 

~4,500.

That means this is much bigger project than intended. Even with no time frame, it suddenly got a lot more intimidating. I was expecting maybe 1,500 to 2000 - three or four movies a week over the course of the decade, which still "feels " correct to me. 

Maybe when I start digging through that 4,500 list I will find a lot of TV movies, TV shows, shorts, cartoons, who knows what else. 

Meanwhile:

 Let's start with Tequila Sunrise (1988). I like to think that a good review should reflect the thing being discussed. Here, I'm just not sure what kind of tone to adopt to express my severe, severe disappointment. Here we have director Robert Towne (who wrote the Chinatown screenplay) helming a California crime film featuring Mel Gibson, Kurt Russell, and a life-size wooden doll of Michelle Pfeiffer. Bit players include J. T. Walsh and Raul Julia (among others). And yet... it's awful. Awful. Really bad. 

Cardinal sin: it's boring. Nothing much happens, and it happens over and over and over again. People talk, and their speech is all cliches. And they talk some more. No chases. No gunfights. No action of any kind, really, until the very very end, and even then it sucks and is badly done. Mel Gibson seems off, colorless, zero charisma from Lethal Weapon. or its kin. 

Kurt Russell is filling in for Pat Riley (!!!! not kidding), so he wears pricy suits and his hair slicked straight back in that oily arrogant Riley way. Other than his appearance, though, Russell also doesn't get to do much. He's given bad dialog, an unsympathetic character, and no real motivation to do anything he does. Ugh. He's a cop, and Gibson is a semi-reformed drug dealer, and they are supposed to be best buds from high school, but they have the general chemistry of, say, a vacuum cleaner and an old sandwich. That is, none whatsoever. 

And Michelle Pfeiffer is the worst of all - I didn't call her a mannequin for nothing. She is barely there even in close up. Just completely hollow - no sex appeal (same problem goes for the men too, sorry ladies), no femme fatale, no mysterious allure, no quirks, just nothing. Black hole. 

The movie made a lot of money - Wikipedia reports it made over $100 million - but critics more or less panned it. It holds a Rotten Tomatoes score of 44%, which is very generous. 

On a totally different note, there is 1987's The Falling. The poster above is just amazing - a neo-Deco masterpiece. The film? Not a masterpiece. Not even close. It's from the vaunted "teens fight space monster" genre that's been around since the '50s, but really came to high relief in the '80s. Specifically, two movies from '88 come to mind - The Blob remake and Killer Klowns from Outer Space. Teens on vacation in Spain come across a space parasite that causes violent insanity. Don't space parasites always cause violent insanity?? Wouldn't it be much more interesting for them to cause, say, everyone to stop talking and start painting as well as Rembrandt? Or for everyone to suddenly speaking in funny '30s gangster accents? Or ANYTHING except violent insanity?

The movie is entirely predictable, and the few scary moments come usually from the good gore effects; someone studied a lot of years in latex school to create cow guts like that. The main characters are fairly dim (one is played by Dennis Christopher, from Breaking Away!) but likeable enough. The real joy of the movie is the high camp value - this is easily a film that could be screened by MST3K or Earwolf's How Did This Get Made? or Rifftrax, etc. etc. Lines are spoken in inappropriate deadpan, accents are placed on the wrong words in a sentence, reactions are out of control, you name it. It's great to mock, even watching solo. 

Perhaps more interesting than the film itself are two related anecdotes. First, the original title for the film was Alien Predator (!), and it was filmed in 1984 but they held off on release in '87. Gee, I wonder why. Second, according to IMDB/Wikipedia (unsure who copied from the other), the producer was so pissed off at the lazy attitude of the production, causing it to go over budget, that he retired from films forever. Forever! This movie is so bad that it drove a man out of the industry for life. 

Next up on the DVR: Lady in White and Married to the Mob, both from 1988. I think someone over at MGM HD just grabbed a handful of discs from the "1988" vault and put them up this week.